Yes, your heart grows. Yes, you find another gear. Yes, your alone time becomes practically zero. Yes, you’re tired. Yes, you’re happy. Yes, it’s hard.
But, yes, it all feels so good. It’s like there was never just three of us and technically there wasn’t for very long. It’s like there was really never just two of us, but I’d like to discover that again some day.
Grey is a perfect little wide-eyed girl. She lifted her head, strong and firm, the second she was placed on my chest and I knew she would write her own rules. She is smart and alert and wants you to converse with her. She prefers to see your face and have a chat but when she’s ready to snuggle she makes it known and holds on tight. She sleeps well and eats well and has already out-paced her big brother’s growth. She is her own person and she brings us so much joy.
Jackson is a wonderful big brother, in the best way he knows how. He’s welcomed Grey into his life as he continues to discover and explore what that means. He already cares so deeply for her. He knows that he’s to be gentle with her and love her but he also knows that sometimes he just wants his mama. I’m okay with that.
The main thing with two littles under two is that you get your priorities in order. You stop believing in, “when I grow up…” and start acting on their behalf. Basically, you get your shit together.
That doesn’t mean the laundry is done every night and every toy is always in it’s place - I still haven’t gotten around to doing my taxes. But it does mean you know what’s important and you take nothing for granted. It means that you have less tolerance for bullshit and things that drain your energy. You gain more inspiration to do things that bring you joy and help you move your family forward.
The people in your life, and most definitely in your family, are your greatest teachers. Your teachers are your greatest gifts. I’m learning that you can’t define your value from things on the outside. Only what’s true and eternal can give you meaning and value. Only what you feel in your soul.
So everything is currently under evaluation or in flux. Three months into a family of four we are still figuring out routines and getting comfortable in our new dynamic. We still have a lot to learn about each other and how we function together. I’ll just call this time a discovery.
We’re discovering our partnership and how we work together. We’re discovering what we need from each other and how to communicate it. We’re discovering what to do and not to do, pushing each other’s boundaries (in both good and bad ways). We’re discovering how to pack a car with four people’s things and when to fit in naps and nursing. We’re discovering what it means to be a family of four and still be ourselves - to spend time with each other but still pursue our own dreams.
Our littles might still be very small but it’s important to me to include them in this discovery. To give them space to show us their needs and foster their gifts. To make them a part of the conversation. To include them in decisions. To help them have a voice. To guide them but also let them know it’s okay to fall - Jackson is currently learning there’s a lot of falling (i.e. spraining a toe).
So though my heart has grown and I’ve found another gear. Though I’m still trying to find time for myself and working with less sleep. Though it is hard but I’m incredibly happy - I’m thankful to be in this time of discovery. Happy to sit in this mess. Happy to go with the flow and happy to just be.